The farmer's wife came home from her first meeting in the city in very bad
form. 'What happened?' asked her husband. 'Well,' said his wife, 'they're good
at nothing up there but making sandwiches. Butter, slap, thump; butter, slap,
thump and they keep talking a hundred to the dozen a hundred scandals to the dozen
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First Farmer: 'When I meet the Minister for Agriculture I say, "Hi" to him
and he says, "Hi" back to me and when we meet in our cars I go 'Toot" to him and
he goes "Toot" back to me.'
Second Farmer: 'You have a close relationship, then?' First Farmer: 'Aye. It's
what you might call a "Hi" for a "Hi" and a "Toot" for a "Toot".'
Stories of Recruiting Teams for the British Army trying to be smart with rural
youths were plentiful during the early years of our State. A Recruiting Sergeant
came upon a youth holding a donkey by having his arms about his neck. 'I say,
Sonny, why are you holding your brother in that manner?' he asked insultingly.
The young man was too quick for the Sergeant by far, however, and he quickly replied,
'I'm afraid he might join the British Army.'
Question: 'Why are you stirring your tea with your left hand?'
Answer: 'I'm not. I'm using a spoon.
Two farmers, both afflicted with stammers, discussed the cleverness of one
of their dogs.
'Wwwwwwhy. He'd nnnnearly tttttttalk tto you,' said one and the other replied:
'Ttttttthat mmmmmakes ttttthree of us.'
One of those two farmers, when asked if his stammer affected his business transactions
at the creamery,said: 'Nnnno. Only when I ttttttalk.'
'My father was Fine Gael and his father before him was Fine Gael,' said the
young man who had just received his vote, and was engaged in the age-old argument
on politics. With a flourish he added: 'And by heavens, I'm going to be Fine Gael
His farming friend asked: 'Suppose your father was a fool and his father before
him was a fool, what, according to your argument, should you be?' The farmer was
not prepared for the quick answer: 'A Fianna Failer'.
A man of the soil, he dreaded the toast to the bridesmaids that he knew he
would have to give at his wedding reception. He insisted upon not making the speech
but the groomsman, his parents and everybody insisted as strongly that he should
comply with convention. So when he rose to speak, he held his new bride's hand
for support; but the opening words of his speech were, 'Ladies and gentlemen,
this thing has been forced upon me.'
Two young men, Mick and Con, were charged with unlawful possession of arms.
A Garda gave evidence of Mick's cocking a gun and aiming it at the Garda while
riding on a motorcycle with Con as a pillion passenger. There was quite an amount
of conflicting evidence about the whole thing and eventually the Judge said, 'Ah,
I think it must be concocted.' At this, Con jumped up and shouted: 'It was not.
It was Mick that cocked it!'
The boy told his mother that somebody had called at the farmhouse door while
she was out with the chickens.
'And why didn't you answer the door?' asked the mother.
'Don't be so stupid, Ma,' said the boy, 'whoever heard a door asking questions?'