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One liners

Where were you going when I saw you coming back?


I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.


I tapped you on the shoulder, but when you turned round it was neither of us!


'What a filthy place,' said Murphy. 'It's alive with dead rats.'

'Not only that,' added his brother. 'There's holes a foot high!'


'I don't mind dying,' said Mick McGee. 'It's just that you feel so stiff the day after!'


'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.


'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist.

'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'


The man in the next bed to Rafferty had a kidney removed. The next day, for lunch, they were served kidney soup.

'My God,' said he, 'they waste nothing here!'


'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'


'She's a horrible woman,' said Murphy about his mother-in-law. 'She makes her own yoghurt. She puts a pint of milk on the table and stares at it!'


'That's my lot,' said Paddy leaving the dentist's. 'I've just had all my teeth out - never again!'


'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of the DIY man. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.


'God, the man is thin,' said Molly Flynn. 'He's like a set of teeth in a suit! If a door opens and no one comes in - that's him!'


'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'


The Casey twins were flying over the Sahara Desert when one said to the other:

'My God, look at all that sand. I wonder what they're going to build when the cement arrives?'


'What a miserable party,' said Murphy. The whiskey flowed like glue!'


'My husband was the hardest worker in Dublin,' said widow Clancy. 'He was the only docker with a straight hook!'


'What would you be if you weren't Irish?' asked the barman.

'Ashamed! 'said Murphy.


'There was a terrible accident in the Irish Sea today. A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of blue paint. Both crews have been marooned!'


'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'


Mary Kelly made a phone call to the council complaining:

'Our toilet seat is broken in half, and is now in three pieces. Can you tell me where I stand?'


Murphy was even funnier in writing to the council:

'I am writing on behalf of my sink which is running away from the wall!'


An Irish proposal:

'Would you like to be buried with my people?'

 
 


 
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