Admission To Heaven
St Peter is sitting at the gates of heaven one fine afternoon when this man
arrives up in a well pressed blue suit and asks if there would be any chance of
'Well says St Peter, 'I didn't get where I am today by letting every Tom, Dick
and Harry walk through these gates. What sort of virtuous qualities do you have
which would make me want to let you in?'
'Well says yer man, 'I was very devout. I went to church every Sunday morning,
well or ill, all my life, and lived as a good Christian every other day of the
'Umm, that's a good start says St Peter, 'but it's hardly good enough. There are
boyos in here who went to church once a day, and three times on Sundays, and had
to walk fourteen miles there and back summer and winter with no soles on the shoes
of their feet.'
'Well says yer man, 'what about fidelity? I never once looked at another woman
in all the fifty years I was married. And before I was married I was as pure as
the first day of spring.'
'Unnm, that's highly commendable says St Peter, 'but you have to bear in mind
that we're full to the brim in here with men of the cloth who spurned the sins
of the flesh from the moment they were born until the day and hour they shuffled
off their mortal coils.'
'I take your point says yer man. *What about bravery then?'
'Umm, yes, bravery has a lot going for it,' says St Peter.
'What's your record on the courage front?'
'Well,' says yer man, 'once I walked almost the entire length of the Falls Road
singing "The Sash'' at the top of my voice and beating a Lam beg drum until I
thought the skin would burst.'
'Oh?' says St Peter, 'and when was this, pray tell?'
'About five minutes ago says yer man.