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One Liners

Two tigers were walking down Royal Avenue, when one turned to the other.
'It's very quiet for a Saturday, isn't it?' he said.

Jimmy's mother dragged him screaming into the doctor's surgery.
'Doctor, doctor,' she said, 'can a thirteen-year-old perform an appendicitis operation on himself?'
'Of course not,' said the doctor.
'You see?' said the mother. 'Now put it back, you wee brat.'

Did you hear about the North-West showband?
They called themselves Li mavadywaddy.

Derry jokes, for some reason, are particularly surreal... For example, this drunk in Derry gets onto a bus.
'Does this bus go to Shantallow?' he inquires of the only other occupant.
'It was Wednesday yesterday,' is the reply.
'So am I. Do you fancy going for a pint?'

Or... How many Deny men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish.

While we're on the subject, how many Bangor solicitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Bangor solicitors don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in Jacuzzis.

How many Belfast folk singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten. One to screw in the lightbulb and the other nine to sing about how good the old one was.

How many Gerry Adamses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Irish lightbulbs have a right to govern their own future.

How many Ulster politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten. One to screw in the lightbulb and the other nine to stop the ceiling falling into his mouth.

How many Cherryvalley teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to mix a gin and tonic and the other to phone daddy.

 
 


 
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