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One Liners

A Cullybackey dairy farmer heard on Downtown Radio that there was a bloodless coup in Uganda. So he sent them a pint of blood from his own coo.

How do you know Jesus was from Strabane?
Because he had twelve mates who were all men, he lived at home until he was thirty-three, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

The phone rang in a Derry police station. 'Come quickly, said the voice on the other end. 'Someone's broken into my house and stolen the TV and the video and the stereo.' A policeman was sent over to investigate. This is serious, he said. The window's been broken on both sides.'

Did you hear about the artificial insemination expert who visited a farm near Buckna? He knocked on the door and an old lady came out. He told her he was there to see to the cow, so she took him to the barn, opened the door and said: 'There you are, son. There's the coo and there's a nail on the back of the door to hang your trousers on.'

A Belfast couple were on honeymoon in Paris. One night they were walking down the Boul Mich when two fire engines and an ambulance rushed past, their sirens blaring.
'Listen, darling, said the husband. They're playing our tune.'

Why is sex before marriage frowned upon in Ulster?
Because it crumples the wedding dress and makes you late for the service.

The phone rang in a Ballymena pub, and the owner picked it up.
'This is the Proves,' said a voice at the other end. 'The place is bombed and you've got five minutes to get out.'
The owner put down the phone and went to the bar.
'Last orders, everyone,' he said.

Two IRA men were on their way to blow up a pub.
'What happens if the bomb goes off before we get there?' said O'Rourke.
'It's all right,' said McSwiggan. 'I have a spare in the boot.'

A priest was walking down a street in Cookstown when he came across a little girl struggling to reach a door knocker.
'Here, my dear, let me help,' he said, striding manfully up and giving the door a good batter with his walking stick.
'That's it,' said the little girl. 'Now run like hell.'

What do most of the burns patients in Belfast hospitals have in common?
They're all UVF explosives experts.


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