An American tourist was driving through Ahoghill when his Cadillac ground to
a halt for no obvious reason. He got out and walked into the nearest shop.
'Pardon me, friend, but are there any mechanics living around here?' he said.
'No, we're all McDonalds,' said the assistant.
Two Limavady men were up for their first trip in an aeroplane.
'Kieran, said one to the other, 'if this machine turns upside down, would we fall
'Don't be silly, Liam! said Kieran, 'we'll always be friends.'
The phone rings in a flat in Strabane. 'Hello, hello, is that Liam?' 'No,
'Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number. 'That's all right, I wasn't in anyway.
A young married couple wanted to buy a house in Bangor. So they went to see
the snootiest estate agent in town.
'Right! said the estate agent. 'Just tell me what price you were thinking of,
then we'll all have a good laugh and take it from there.
Two Provos met at the crossroads in the middle of the night.
'What time is it, Liam?' said Pat.
'I don't know,' said Liam. 'My time-bomb's fast.'
This ma drags her wee lad into a clothes shop in Belfast and asks for a t-shirt
with a 'Q' on it. The shop assistant looks and looks but eventually admits defeat.
'I'm sorry. Madam, we don't seem to have one.'
There, what did I tell ye, Qhughie?'
It was Sunday in Ballyclare and the service was being taken by a young clergyman
just up from Belfast. Rising to his full height in the pulpit, he said: 'Friends,
I am preaching today on the sin of adultery. If there are any among you who have
committed this sin, let his tongue cleave to the woof of his mowf.'
Rodney was a Bangor solicitor, and one night his wife, Samantha, was in bed
with Rodney's best friend, James, when the phone rang. Samantha reached over,
picked up the receiver and had a brief conversation.
'Who was that?' asked James.
'It was Rodney. He phoned to say he'd be late because he was going out to the
golf club for a drink with you and the lads.'
Four Strabane men were sent out near Newtownstewart one day to dig a hole
in the road for the Department of the Environment. But when they arrived they
discovered that they only had two shovels, so one of them went up to complain
to the foreman.
'Listen,' said the foreman. 'If you're short of shovels, just lean against each
A Protestant walked into a bar up the Shankill with a pig under his arm.
'Where did you get that?' said the barman.
'I won him in a raffle,' said the pig.