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One Liners

Who invented limbo dancing?
A Ballymena man trying to get into a pay toilet.

Downtown Radio newsflash... 'A store in Stranraer was broken into last night. The only items taken were an umbrella and forty packets of best birdseed. Larne police are on the lookout for a budgie on a walking tour of Northern Ireland.'

A Cullybackey woman got onto the Belfast express, and all the seats were taken.
Eventually a farmer's son who'd had politeness beaten into him got up and offered her his place.
Thanks very much, son,' she said. 'But I daren't sit down, I'm in that much of a hurry.'

A Ballymena man arrives at a toll bridge with his son in the passenger seat of the Mercedes.
'That's 1 for the car and 50p for the passenger,' says the attendant.
'Make it 5Op for the car and I'll throw in the boy for free,' says the Ballymena man.

Two Ballymena men won the pools and were celebrating their winnings in the pub.
'There's only one thing,' said Bob. 'What are we going to do with all the begging letters?'
'Don't worry, said Billy, Til post them on the way home.'

What's the fastest game in the world?
Pass the parcel in a Belfast pub.

The bank in west Belfast had just opened when a masked and armed man burst through the door.
'Empty the tills or else, he said.
'Or else what?' asked the cashier.
'Ah... I'm not sure. Can I call back tomorrow?'

A Lisburn woman bought her husband The Joy of Sex for Christmas. He coloured it in.
Ulster dyslexics say 'On'.

Two shipyard workers were walking home from Harland's one day and it started to rain. One of them immediately took off his cap and stuffed it in his pocket.
'What are you doing that for?' his mate asked.
'Well I can't go to bed in a wet cap.'

This worm was swallowed by a cow in a field near Ahoghill. As it lay in the cow's stomach wondering how to escape, it fell asleep. When it woke up, the cow wasn't there.


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