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One Liners

An American tourist was doing the troublespots in west Belfast. He arrived at Divis Flats and was walking past a shop when he noticed that there was nothing in the window but electric guitars and revolvers. Intrigued, he went inside.
Tell me, buddy, he said to the owner, 'do you ever sell any of those?'
'Oh yes said the owner. 'Every time we sell an electric guitar, one of the neighbours comes in and buys a gun.'

Two Ulster farmhands were standing in a field when a flock of birds flew over.
'Oh look,' said one. 'Gulls.'
'Don't be daft, said the other. 'How can you tell what sex they are from this distance?'

An IRA active service unit was waiting in the undergrowth in the wilds of south Armagh for a British Army patrol to pass by.
'What time is it?' says one.
'Half past four,' says the other.
That's funny. The patrol was due here at four o'clock,' says the first. 'I hope nothing's happened to them.'

What's black and white and hides in a cave?
A nun with an overdraft.

They've banned the teabreaks on Co. Tyrone building sites.
It takes too long to retrain the workers.

Queen's University's archaeology department has just unearthed a 1644 penny in a dig outside Ballymena.
A few feet away they found three skeletons on their hands and knees.

A Belfast man went into a chemist's and asked for a comb.
'Do you wanna steel one, mister?' asked the assistant.
'Naw, it's all right, I'll pay for it.'

A Lame supporter came home on a lovely summer's day dripping wet.
'What happened?' said his wife.
'The manager of the other team flooded the pitch so he could bring on his sub.'

'I've never been able to understand,' said the Belfast man reading page two of the News Letter, 'how people always die in alphabetical order.'

What are the best ten years of a Strabane man's life?
Primary One.


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