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One Liners

Why are 50p pieces the shape they are?
So you can use a spanner to get them off a Ballymena man.

Downtown Radio newsflash... 'An intruder was seen leaving a store in Belfast early today with his hand in flames. Police are looking for a man with an Armalite.'

A Ballymena man got on the bus in Belfast and nearly had a fit when he was told that the fare was 45p. He had a fierce argument with the driver until finally the driver got so exasperated that he stopped the bus, picked up the Ballymena man's suitcase and flung it out of the door and into the River Lagan.
'Holy God,' said the Ballymena man. 'First you try to rob me, now you try to drown my son.'

A frantic motorist ran into Donegal! Pass police station in Belfast.
'Oh officer, he cried. 'I've just run over a student. What can I do?'
'I'm sorry, sir! said the policeman. 'It's Sunday, so you can't collect the reward until tomorrow.'

Two prisoners in the Maze developed a brilliant system of communicating with each other by tapping messages on the wall in Morse code. But the system fell to pieces when they were moved to separate cells.

Alliance Party headquarters was blown up last night. Party spokesman Basil Glass said he was shattered.

'Right, Jimmy,' said Miss, 'I want you to use a sentence with the word "bakelite" in it, for the class.'
'Please, Miss,' said Jimmy, 'my dad fell asleep last night with his pipe in his mouth and set his bake alight.'

What's the most exciting job in west Belfast?
Rear gunner on a milk float.

A Ballymena man was chatting up a girl at a party.
'Didn't I hear vaguely somewhere that your father died and left you 5,364,278.341/2?' he said.

Did you hear about the Ulster Euro-MP?
He was illiterate in two languages.


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